christmas thoughts

It's Christmas eve, I'm 31
I have lived life
I've felt ran over at times
I've been victorious at times
Today I'm reflecting on everything
It seems fitting
Just came back from Christmas eve service
Made s'mores with the family
And we opened our stockings
Yes I'm 31 and my moms till stuffs stockings for all of us
But that's a big part of what I love about Christmas, the traditions
I am looking forward to started traditions with our children
Sometimes I feel suffocated at home not necessarily in my parents home
But in the town itself
I feel like I lose me and I'll always be the fraction of myself that I was when

 I lived here
I don't really know what to do about that
I don't come home a lot and when I do we usually stay around the house
But this weekend we are going to church twice
I don't know sometimes I'm insecure sometimes

I turn to my old defenses and ways
Why
I feel freer anywhere else and everywhere else
Tonight somebody asked me if i was a lawyer...

My plans before going to college
I graduated with a masters in social work in 2006
If that puts it in perspective
I don't know why I feel squeezed on the inside
I feel like I'm so much more than I'll every be allowed to be HERE
I'm sitting in front of the Christmas tree trying to figure out how

Some place can have so much power over me
If my parents moved I'd never come here again
Nobody can steal my joy
No weapon formed against me shall prosper
My Gods biggness is not determined by zip code
I need to walk in the realness that He is
When God sent His son He made a way
I might have been carrying my own burdens when I lived here
But I refuse to carry them now
Sometimes (often times ) the thing holding me back is me
Rise up walk in your purpose
Don't fade to the back or you'll be left in the dark
He brought me out of darkness into the marvelous light